Impotence is a common yet very frustrating condition, impacting over half of the teams in the English Premier League (EPL).
Impotence is a team’s inability
to rise to the occasion, disrupting the capacity to deliver consistent thrust
and penetration when moving forward. This is not a disease as such, but a
symptom of other problems – failure to invest in quality players, poor
coaching, or a mixture of both.
Fans shouldn’t be too worried
about the occasional failure to play exciting, attractive football. This is
normal. Some of the root causes of occasional performance failure include bedding
in new players, injury problems, back-to-back games, and experimentation with
new tactical systems. Unless poor performance continues, there is no reason to
be concerned.
However, ongoing impotence should
be investigated and addressed as a priority.
For Manchester United fans the concerns around impotence and poor performance have been growing steadily over the past handful of seasons. And whilst victory in the pre-season International Champions Cup offered hope that we might be turning a corner, symptoms have persisted and the winless start to the EPL season offered evidence that our problems of maintaining sustained periods of penetration continue.
For Manchester United fans the concerns around impotence and poor performance have been growing steadily over the past handful of seasons. And whilst victory in the pre-season International Champions Cup offered hope that we might be turning a corner, symptoms have persisted and the winless start to the EPL season offered evidence that our problems of maintaining sustained periods of penetration continue.
For a number of
seasons now there has been a lack of thrust in United’s forward play, with a
complete inability to breach the opposition backline consistently. The team has
been boring, stale and unimaginative, offering little in the way of excitement
or stimulation.
To be completely frank,
Wednesday nights and weekends at Old Trafford have become dourer than David Moyes
personality, and more depressing than following the stranger into the van then realising he doesn't have any candy.
Live viewing, replays and
statistical analysis can determine if the flow of the ball from the middle to
the tip has been adversely affected. Further testing can also help to isolate
specific areas of dysfunction.
Unfortunately misdiagnosis can occur, which often leads to challenges in corrective treatment.
In the case of Manchester United many experts diagnosed the problem
as a lack of investment on new recruits by the Glazer family. A combined $60M
plus spent on Mata and Fellaini last season quickly dispels this theory.
Other notable authorities have cited the failure of the youth team to emulate the performance of the Class of 92. Certainly the likes of Cleverly, Welbeck et al. have flattered to deceive. Historically it’s extremely rare for teams to graduate one or two players from one academy squad into the first team, much less six players. Rarer still that they all become internationals. The Class of 92 is such an outlier it cannot be used as a realistic benchmark.
Poor depth, especially
in midfield, is touted as a factor. Undoubtedly ever since Roy Keane hung up
the boxing gloves we’ve been overly reliant on Paul Scholes and his
KISS like ‘final world tour’, along with the more pedestrian qualities of
Michael Carrick and Darren Fletcher. And while it's true this has been a problem, it does not get to
the root of our difficulties.
All of these factors
have contributed in some form to United’s embarrassingly rapid fall from grace. Yet there is a far more fundamental issue at the heart of United woes.
A lack of sex appeal.
For years we’ve heard
about playing the ‘United Way’. How an attacking, flair based game played well
into ‘Fergie time’ was somehow a trademark of Old Trafford…and to a certain
degree it has been. But there’s something far more significant to the
Manchester United ethos and success than a three on two fast break or an injury time
winner.
Sex appeal!
It’s that bloody
simple. Not convinced? Hear me out:
Each period of United
domination has coincided with a United player who has stood head and shoulders
above all as a sex icon.
It all started with
George Best. Such was Georgie’s talent and charisma he became the first
celebrity footballer…earning the nickname El Beatle. Anyone who was been quoted
saying "I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars – the
rest I just squandered" simply oozes sex appeal. And it was with Best
leading the line that United were first crowned European Champions.
Unfortunately George wasn’t equipped to handle celebrity, and his
extravagant lifestyle led to various issues, including a painful battle with alcoholism.
Best’s premature retirement was proceeded by a period of footballing darkness lasting decades.
It wasn’t until the mischievous, cheeky grin of Lee Sharpe and the slicked curls of a youthful Ryan Giggs strode onto the scene in the early nineties that United’s rejuvenation began. Both players brought with them an exuberance that had been sorely missed, and a first championship after 26 painful years followed.
It wasn’t until the mischievous, cheeky grin of Lee Sharpe and the slicked curls of a youthful Ryan Giggs strode onto the scene in the early nineties that United’s rejuvenation began. Both players brought with them an exuberance that had been sorely missed, and a first championship after 26 painful years followed.
Whilst Sharpe and
Giggs got some of the girls panting, it was when David Beckham took centre
stage – complete with sarongs, tattoos, highlights, hair gel and celebrity wife
– that United’s domination hit peak form. As Beck’s got sexier, so United got
more successful. It is a basis of scientific fact that a directly proportional relationship
exists between images of Beckham half naked featuring in women’s magazines, and trophies appearing in United’s cabinet.
Soon enough though
Brand Beckham got too big for the Boss…at some point too much sex appeal can
become a distraction. And so Becks was exported to Spain, and we imported a new
product from Portugal. Genetically modified in a Lisbon laboratory, Cristiano
Ronaldo kept the men and their wives enthralled, terrorizing defenders without
a single strand of hair out of place. He’d thwack in a free kick stunner and follow
that up by removing his shirt to reveal 16 perfectly sculpted abdominal
muscles.
After delivering another European Cup Ronaldo nearly caused our sex drive to go into overdrive, and like Becks we bid adios and he was sent packing to Madrid. It seems the appetite and tolerance for coitus is much higher in the sunshine of Spain than the colder climates of the UK.
Darkness once again
began to envelope the Theatre of Dreams. With the likes of Rooney, Carrick and
Fletcher as our poster boys not only did we lack inspiration on the pitch, this
translated to an appalling lack of stimulation and activity in the terraces and
the homes of Manchurian’s the world over.
But that’s all changed,
because after years of searching we’re finally bringing sexy back to Old
Trafford. Welcome Radamel Falcao.
I know there have been a lot of critics who have panned the Falcao transfer. “He’s injury prone” they say. “He’s overpaid”, “his best days are behind him”, and “what about a midfielder and a centre-half?”
All rational critiques
steeped in logical footballing fundamentals.
But f#ck all that I
say, because they all miss one glaring fact – the man looks amazing! And if
history teaches us anything it’s where good looking men go, success follows.
I simply cannot wait to
see Radamel, resplendent in Manchester red, with his long locks flowing and
tanned thighs pumping, start banging away goals left, right and centre. With
each goal he scores Radamel will re-ignite the Theatre of Dreams, rekindle our passion,
and revive our primal lust for winning.
It’s not enough to win…you’ve
got to look good doing it. And now we look pretty f#cken sensational!