The dark art of self control

In a season of turmoil there is finally light at the end of this very dark tunnel, as the great city of Manchester yet again sits on the cusp of collecting another English Premier League title. Arise champions of England-elect.

That the colour of the recipient’s shirts will be sky blue rather than devil red is a mere trifle. Better sky blue than Scouse red.

Across many oceans and vast plains of land I can hear my brethren in the Stretford End reluctantly agree. Despite the difficulty, the distress, and the sheer idiocy of basking in the success of our noisy neighbours, it is the tragic demise of Liverpool FC that we really celebrate.

Call me a little man if you will…but it is often the little man who rises against the odds to strike down his larger foe. Was it not David who defeated the Philistine Goliath?

It has been a cathartic season for United fans. For the first time in over two decades wins were not guaranteed, dynamic performances few and far between, and highlights a rarity. Records at Old Trafford were smashed like cheap dinnerware at a Greek wedding. Unfortunately it was the West Brom’s, Newcastle’s and Everton’s of the world that were doing the dancing.

For the first time in this mobile digital age I was reluctant to check the overnight scores on a Monday morn. As rays of sunlight streamed into my bedroom I could only anticipate bad news would greet my eyes. Like a drunkard struggling with irritable bowel syndrome, it was better not to turn around for a glimpse at the damage left in the toilet bowl.

Yet every cloud has a silver lining. And for long suffering fans of MUFC the lining shines brighter and brighter each day.

Firstly, David Moyes was correctly advised to change his Facebook status from Chosen One to Demoted One. The Moyes reign was like the vomit that swells up in the pit of your abdomen and flies uncontrollably out of your mouth following a heroin high… euphoria promptly replaced by partially digested kebab, stomach lining and bile all over your overpriced denims. Moyes was that bile…a nasty, foul tasting stench that only serves to cleanse the system before moving onto the next high. And move on we shall.

The news that Louis Van Gaal is positioned as Sir Alex’s real replacement can only be greeted with cheers…a proven leader of big clubs, a proven manager of big players, a proven winner, and an absolute mother#cker. Those likening Moyes resume to an early Sir Alex take note…in a pissing competition it’s always the man with the biggest c#ck and balls who’ll urinate farthest.

It was not long after the Sporting Gods adopted an 11^th Commandment ‘Thou Shalt Banish David Moyes’ that the shadow of darkness enveloping Old Trafford began to dissipate, travelling across the North of England to settle on Merseyside.

For many a month the Kop had been holding its collective breath, unable to fully embrace a series of unfolding events that would potentially crown Liverpool FC as the new champions of England. The demise of Sir Alex, inevitable decline of Arsenal, turmoil in Tottenham, and uncharacteristic stumbles of City and Chelsea left a vacuum at the top of the table. And Brendan Rogers, Steven Gerrard and Co were more than happy to waltz through, playing a cavalier brand of football that can only be described as breathtaking.

For a United fan it was the direst of situations. Not only was David Moyes successfully tearing down 25 years of domination in a heartbeat, but our most feared and despised rivals were on the cusp of returning to the very perch that Sir Alex had knocked them off so devastatingly. The Gods certainly have a twisted sense of humour.

Meanwhile Liverpool fans were caught in a storm of conflicting emotions. Years of disappointment had hardened them against premature celebration. But as win after magnificent win piled up, and with the finishing line in touching distance, they began to believe. Scousers the world over played a delicate game of edging, the glorious art of maintaining high level of sexual arousal for an extended period of time without reaching orgasm. Unfortunately, when you’re out of practise it can be extremely difficult to sustain the required levels of self control. And so it came (pardon the pun) to pass that on the 13^th day of April in the year of our Lord 2014 that Liverpool defeated Manchester City 3-2, opened up a seven point lead at the top of the table, and all Liverpool fans felt the slightest bit of sticky leakage.

And from that moment it was all over.

Inspiring visions of Steven Gerrard marshalling his troops in the middle of Etihad Stadium were quickly replaced a fortnight later by Stevie G slipping over to gift Chelsea a goal. Then followed the tragedy at Crystal Palace, with the irony that Liverpool’s greatest and most heart-breaking moments both forever tied to a three goal lead lost on no-one.

For Scousers there will only be memories of a wonderful 2013/24 season, where they threatened to overcome all odds, but fell at the final hurdle. And with Chelsea, Manchester’s City and United and Arsenal all promising to be stronger next year, the stinging reality that this lost opportunity may never be recovered.

For United fans there is joy in celebrating the bitter, salty tears of Luis Suarez, and the promise of another dynasty on the horizon.

Come on you Reds!  

Dazed and Confused

"Been dazed and confused for so long it's not true
Wanted a superstar, never bargained for you.
Lot's of people talking, few of them know
Soul of Man United, was created in midfield!"

This has been the sad song sung by my Manchester United brethren since the close of the transfer window. United fans worldwide, feeling exposed by the retirement of the deity that is Sir Alex of Ferguson, were crying out for that big money signing that would act as a statement of intent - confirming the Red Devils are still the big boys on the block. After all, Manchester City finally succumbed to Roberto Mancini's sage advice and retooled in the off-season. And Chelsea brought back 'The Special One.' It was vital that we responded in kind.

And we did...kinda...sorta.

Despite being linked with everyone from Cesc Fabregas to Kaka to Avala legend Tome Divljak, United closed their transfer activity by parting company with $27 million for the signature of Moyes' favourite Toffee Marouane Fellaini.

And the outcry that followed was immense...with more vitriol thrown at Moyes than chemical weapons in Syria. 

Now I'm not going to defend the shambolic nature with which we managed the transfer window. At times it seemed as if the good folk running the Labour party were providing strategic direction at Old Trafford HQ. From the very public courting of Fabregas, to the Spanish 'imposters', the initial ridiculously low bid for Fellaini and Leighton Baines to overpaying Everton with seconds to go before the window expired. It was a public embarrassment. Considering the club is under new management with Moyes and Woodward, hardly the stuff that instills confidence in a very demanding supporter base. 

However...the outcome on the playing field is perfect. 

Our greatest weakness over the past number of season has been midfield, something that's been on the agenda since the retirement of Rampaging Roy Keane. Seba Veron had all the skills, but couldn't quite adapt to the pace of the Premier League. Anderson has bitten off, quite literally, more than he can chew. Djembe Djembe would have been great if his on field performance wasn't as ridiculous as his name. Owen Hargreaves was made of porcelain, and Darren Fletcher shit himself, leaving Michael Carrick the uninspiring constant over the past few seasons. 

The arrival of Marouane Fellaini was exactly what I wanted. Fellaini is a proven Premier League and international performer - an all action presence who can mix it up physically, but who also has the capacity to play great technical football and score goals.

Since the transfer deadline expired all I keep hearing is 'he's not a United player'. I couldn't disagree more. He's exactly what we need. Not that I wouldn't have minded a Mesut Ozil or Bastian Schweinsteiger. But if it's about addressing a weakness in the team, Moyes has done it. 

Let's break this down.

GOALKEEPER

David de Gea might not be the best keeper in the EPL right now, but he's certainly in the conversation. Any flaws he might have can be negated by the fact he's only 22 and has tremendous upside. With wanting to sound like a real homer, I think in de Gea we have the future best keeper in the world.

DEFENDERS

The backline, when fit, is rock solid. Vidic and Ferdinand, ably supported by Jonny Evans, make up the best centre back troika in the league. Evra's return to form and Raphael's continued improvement make for a pretty deadly fullback pairing. They might enjoy going forward a little too much, but they still bring more to the table than they take off. And in Jones and Smalling we have two young guns who can fit in anywhere across the backline. The defense is deep, versatile and very talented.

STRIKERS

Up front there's RVP - the best striker in the Premiership. Rooney might be a fat, balding former granny shagger...but he's still capable of 20 goals a season. Welbeck has proven himself to be, at the very least, Emile Heskey 2.0 (I can't believe I convinced myself that this is a high compliment). And Chicharito is a great ace up the sleeve - the perfect super sub.

MIDFIELDERS

Michael Carrick continues to anchor the middle. I've been his biggest critic over the years, but will grudgingly concede he's a steady presence who makes few mistakes. He doesn't win many games, but he'll lose fewer. Fellaini can now partner with Carrick in front of the defense. This releases much of the tackling burden from Carrick's slender shoulders and allows him to concentrate on excelling as the boring steadying presence with his passing. Meanwhile Fellaini brings a physical authority and some much needed muscle that has been sorely lacking. On the wings we can choose from Valencia, Young, Nani, Zaha or Adnan Januzaj - who I've seen little of but has impressed me. Cleverly is decent but far from the finished article. And Giggs should be available to support the seconds in the League Cup, as well as supporting the players wives. All in all this is a pretty impressive and deep group.

THE MISSING LINK

The key to bringing this all together, and the reason we didn't need an additional big money splash it the transfer market, is Shinji Kagawa. It seems that Moyes is the only man in football who doesn't rate the Japanese international. Forget other game changing attacking midfielders...we've got one.

Just imagine a 4-3-3 formation with Carrick and Fellaini anchoring the midfield, Kagawa operating ahead and RVP, Rooney and Welbeck up front. Or a 4-5-1. Carrick and Fellaini once again at the base of a triangle with Kagawa. Two traditional wingers (Valencia and Zaha ideally) on the flanks bombing forward and crossing for RVP. This gives you the tactical flexibility of Rooney on the bench, with the capacity to change up any game.

When I think of all the options I'm excited enough to let Samuel L Jackson talk me into opening up a new Bet365 account with a lazy hundred on the Devils to repeat. We won last season by 11 points for goodness sake. And that was with half the team perpetually injured.

Unfortunately though David Moyes is in charge...and Kagawa has been handcuffed to the bench. I don't know if he lacks imagination, tactical nous or just plain balls, but his safety first approach that guided Everton to multiple sixth places won't win us the title. Heck, with Ozil at Highbury and Spurs reloaded it might not even get us Champions League qualification. 

The performance in Europe midweek was refreshing, and provided a blueprint for how good Manchester United can be this season. Now Moyes and his charges face their toughest test to date - the Manchester derby.

Come on you Reds!!!

Give it back

I just read that Lance Armstrong is returning the Bronze medal he 'won' at the Sydney 2000 Olympics. Does this mean disgraced former Eels coach Ricky Stuart has to give back the wooden spoons collected under his watch at Parra???