Friday, August 16, 2013

EPL - three things to consider before kick off

The sporting merry-go-round has come full circle, with football fanatics ready to jump on board amid kick off for the European football leagues.

Whilst the English Premier League (EPL) might not be the best league in the world, it certainly is the most popular...a by-product of Manchester United, the most famous sports brand in the Cosmos.

Now that I've firmly attached my colours to the mast I'll get on the with job of previewing the upcoming EPL, in particular the three most intriguing unanswered questions.

1. Trading Places: Two of the most successful clubs in Britain face two of the biggest headaches imaginable. In the red half of Manchester new manager David Moyes is facing his first test in the big leagues, battling with want-away Wayne Rooney and his c#nt of an agent Paul Stretford. Rooney, the fat, balding former granny shagger, is disillusioned at the prospect of spending the better part of the season peeling oranges for Robin Van Persie. Liverpool Football Club face a similar battle of wills, with Brendan Rogers desperately trying to convince Luis Suarez to stay at Anfield, offering an unlimited supply of human flesh and a lifetime membership to the KKK as sweeteners. 

The whole situation has only one logical resolution - swap 'em. Just the mention of it has the capacity to completely break the Internet. The unintentional comedy would be on a scale not witnessed since One Nation candidate Stephanie Banister claimed kosher food was okay because Jews believe in Jesus Christ - remarkably managing to offend both religions simultaneously whilst trying desperately to pay them a compliment. 

The 1983 comedy classic Trading Places featured Eddie Murphy, Dan Aykroyd and Jamie Lee Curtis' chest all at their absolute peak. Murphy and Aykroyd, two antagonists from completely different worlds, experience life in each others shoes. Hilarity is the outcome. Trading Rooney for Suarez would deliver similar results. Imagine Rooney, the Everton boy who conquered the world with United, celebrating in front of the Kop after a winning goal. Or Suarez, salivating each time Nemanja Vidic walked past him in the dressing room. 

Let's make it happen.

2. Break a leg: The darling of the EPL last season was unquestionably Gareth Bale. The Welshman single handedly dragged Spurs within a pubic hair of Champions League qualification on the back of some thracking (thumping crackers) winning goals. 

Recently Bale's stock has been sky high...with Real Madrid reportedly offering in excess of 100 million as a transfer fee. More remarkable than Bale's firm thighs has been Spurs even firmer stance that he's not for sale at any price. It's about time someone stood up to Madrid, and Spurs chairman Daniel Levy seems to be the right man for the job.

Of course it could go pear shaped very quickly. Whether it's pounds, dollars, Euros or drachmas, 100 million is a sh#tload of dosh. And Bale's price certainly isn't going to get much higher. If I were a Spurs fan (heaven forbid), I'd be praying to the God's of Stephanie Bannister that Bale doesn't tear his achilles, cruciate ligament or anything else that could see his value plummet faster than Detroit's credit rating. 

Take care of yourself Gareth. 

3. Russian Roulette:  One of the worst kept secrets at the back end of last season was the imminent return of Jose Mourinho, aka the Special One, to Chelsea. Mourinho was sick of battling the Madrid management, fans and press. Chelsea Czar Roman Abramovich was tired of constantly hosting exit interviews with managers who actual won European trophies for his club.

So like an old couple reuniting when they realised no-one else would sleep with them, Jose and Roman are back together. But it does beggar the question:

What happens to Jose when they inevitably break up again?

The first time was tumultuous, but the Special One managed to escape relatively unscathed. Indeed his departure and the subsequent game of management musical chairs played at Stamford Bridge has painted Roman as a clown. 

Methinks the Russian oligarch won't take too kindly to playing the fool a second time around. If I were the Special One I'd be investing some rubles in a safe house...just to be sure.

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