Saving the Arsenal Captains of London

The Robin van Persie transfer saga has finally come to a close, with the Dutchman completing a high profile move from Arsenal to Old Trafford. Here’s how an open letter from Manchester United Football Club to its fans garnered the support to finally get their man.

Dear Sir / Madam:

Sir Alex Ferguson needs your help to finish building an enclosure at Old Trafford for the abused Arsenal Captains of London. Operation Arse Cap is our program to free the Arsenal captains in need of our help and give them a better life with the prospect of winning the English Premier League.

With the help of Manchester City, Barcelona and Inter Milan, three former Arsenal captains have been rescued and freed, released to the safety and comfort of the San Siro, Camp Nou and Etihad Stadium. But in London there is still an Arsenal captain being kept illegally. His name is Robin van Persie and he is living in peril. 

Manchester United needs your help to rescue him.

Robin is too scarred to be sent back to Emirates Stadium having lived in such callous circumstances for so long. He has lost all hope, optimism and self-belief, failing to win anything in years. He desperately needs to be saved from the perilous conditions that currently keep him captive. 

But we cannot help him without you.

Arsenal captains are intelligent beings that have great aspirations and live highly complex and engaging lives. Keeping them captive, chained within the financial constraints of Arsenal Football Club, affects their mental and physical well-being. Some captains will rock back and forth on the same spot. Others go as far as self mutilation. And this is why we must act now. Cesc Fabregas was so badly treated that any delay in his transfer to Barcelona meant the difference between life and death. 

These captains need your help.

Many of the Arsenal captains in captivity have never felt the touch of silverware on their fingertips or a winner’s medal around their neck. The sanctuary of Old Trafford has the capacity to provide an environment similar to the captains’ natural habitat, allowing him to display his natural flair and goal scoring ability without the pressure of being partnered with species the likes of Arshavin or Walcott.

Old Trafford is a solution to free the last great Arsenal captain that is being kept illegally.

The enclosure in Manchester will include three top class strikers to share the goal scoring burden as well as three legitimate wingers who can provide dangerous crosses into the box.  There will also be the support of defenders who know how to tackle. Most importantly there is a culture of winning that promises to deliver what Arsenal captains desperately crave - a trophy.

In order to free Robin van Persie, build this sanctuary and help stop cruelty to the Arsenal Captains of London we need to raise nearly 24 million dollars. 

To support Operation Arse Cap please purchase shares in Manchester United Football Club on the New York Stock Exchange.

With your help we can make a difference.