Over the past couple
of days I’ve opened more emails asking about Infarkt than 2Day FM has received hate mail.
Since I’d loathe being
on the back end of a public outcry over something as simple as prank calls,
royals and Darwin’s theory of natural selection, I thought it appropriate to
bang out a few hundred words in a special Xmas edition of Infarkt, looking at the main headlines since my last post in
mid-October. And there’s been a hell of a lot happening in the weird and
wonderful world of sports.
Lance is a confirmed
dope, Punter finally got punted, the independent municipality of Parramatta was
on the cusp of being occupied by Israel, Man U wobbling their way to the top of
the EPL, the ADP experiment with SFC has gone FUBAR, Quade Cooper wanting to practice
pugilism, F1 and men’s tennis exciting their fans till the very end, and RDM
following AVB with a quick EXIT at CFC. All the while Brendan Rogers is still
in phase one of a three year project that will take Liverpool from the cusp of
contention to mid table mediocrity.
So let’s dive into our
Xmas stocking a little early and examine in greater detail some of the lovely
little sporting presents Santa left us at the back end of 2012.
Man United goes X-rated
Q. Who goes down quicker than Jenna Jameson?
A. Manchester United
Q. Who comes from behind harder than Ron
Jeremy?
A. Manchester United
I used to love the inevitable Man United
comeback - always exhilarating, always exciting, and in many ways, always
inevitable.
- Down 1-0 against Liverpool in the 1999 FA Cup with two minutes to go. 2-1 at fulltime. No sweat
- Two early goals by Juventus in the Champions League before Fergie had a chance to sit down and pick his nose. 3-2
- Down three zip to Spurs at halftime during the 2001/02 season. Five United goals after the break
- And the mother of all comebacks. ECL final versus Bayern. Stoppage time had ticked over. Lothar Mattheus was on the bench with his pants down getting a Euro Champ tattoo on his arse. Then in the blink of an eye the Teddy and Ole show broke their hearts. Breathtaking.
This year they’ve spent their entire season coming
from behind to save or win games, but unlike the Devils of yesteryear, the
2012/13 model resembles Basil Fawlty - bumbling, slow, incoherent and irritatingly
enjoyable. If we weren’t six points clear at the top of the table I’d be poking
my eardrum with a sharp 2B pencil. Come of you Reds!
Location, location, location: A couple of weeks ago Israel withdrew from
Blacktown with a view to invade Parramatta. Local authorities tried desperately
to cut a deal in order to arrange for a peaceful occupation, but totally
buggered up the negotiations. In the meantime Israel saw more value in an
assault on Randwick, leaving Parramatta free to fight another day.
To be perfectly honest the real winners in the Folau
saga are the Eels and the GWS Giants. GWS no longer carries the burden of a useless
player with a monster salary. Meanwhile the Eels avoid having a backline of
Izzy, Hayne and Hoppa looking on in frustration as Chris Sandow fails in every
metric applicable to being a quality halfback. In the losers corner the ARU has
picked up another overpriced league convert who has demonstrated no passion or
real desire for union, and will stick around long enough to cash a few cheques
while meandering on the wing without touching the ball.
It’s not often that I applaud the bumbling
buffoonery of the Eels management or NRL hierarchy, but on this occasion I view
it as a blessing in disguise. Now if the brass at Parra has any sense at all
they’ll use some of the cap space they’ve cleared to sign a backrower capable
of busting the line and offloading.
A needle in a haystack: And so it comes to pass. After seven consecutive victories at Le Tour,
hundreds of millions of dollars raised in cancer awareness programs and thousands
of rumours about performance enhancing drugs, Lance Armstrong, the poster boy
for hope and aspiration, has been outed
as perhaps the worst drug cheat since Soviet gymnast Ana Bolic’s testicle
popped out her costume.
For all the cycling junkies out there I
strongly recommend you add Tyler Hamilton’s ‘The Secret Race’ to your Xmas
shopping list. Absolutely fascinating read – I say that even though I
downloaded it as an audiobook and listened to it on my phone.
ADP = FUBAR:
I copped a lot of flak from the fanatical football community at the Roar when I
had the gall to poke a bit of fun at the Del Piero signing, claiming Sydney FC might sink faster than the
Titanic due to the lack of quality surrounding Il
Pinturicchio. To all of you haters out there...eff u!!! And no I don’t hold a
grudge.
Momma said
knock you out: Quade Cooper has
recently re-signed with the ARU, so his little flirt with boxing is probably a
thing of the past now. Unfortunate because I would have loved to watch Cooper
get his arse kicked by a semi-drunk taxi driver. Ex-leaguies in the ring is a
joke half the time, but at least they’ve experienced some bodily punishment
through the whole tackling process. A rugby player…especially a back…entering
the ring is hilarious. This is a guy who is allergic to tackling and avoids
physical contact like the plague.
Who moved my
cheese? Nole Djokovic followed
up one of the greatest seasons in tennis history by retaining the number one
crown. Considering the points he had to defend 2013 might have been the greater
accomplishment. A Grand Slam title, two GS finals, five Masters Titles and some
absolutely epic encounters with Roger, Rafa and Andy. Yet his greatest achievement
may be this: http://www.smh.com.au/world/tennis-champ-chomps-into-donkey-cheese--at-1200-a-kilo-20121211-2b6gm.html
Temporary
turmoil: While it’s not unusual
for a club to announce a temporary manager, in most cases it’s an assistant thrust
into the top job until the end of season when a real manager can be appointed. Not
so Chelsea Football Club though, firing the guy who just won the Holy Grail and
inserting Rafa Benitez with the title Interim Manager. Having Benitez on a
temporary basis is about as useful as a hooker with a nut allergy.
How the mighty
have fallen: The Aussie selectors
finally bit the bullet after Ricky Ponting’s Stevie Wonder impersonation versus
South Africa. In slipping and sliding around the crease desperately reaching
for the ball he resembled a heavyweight entering the ring one too many times.
Great career and hats off to Ricky. On the other side the world Sachin
Tendulkar faces similar questions about his place in the Indian team. Unfortunately
though the Indian selectors have one less ball than Lance Armstrong, and would
never consider asking this cricketing deity to declare his innings. With no
Indian youngsters knocking on the door with a bucket load of runs in the long
form of the game, Sachin could well bat on for another decade.
Share and
share alike: UEFA recently
announced its plans for Euro 2020 to be hosted across the continent in multiple
countries, which for each host city is like hearing from your girlfriend you’ve
got the biggest d#ck amongst all your friends. Great news but…
And so I bid you all farewell for 2012 and
wish you all a safe, healthy and happy new year, and an enjoyable Xmas…especially
those lucky enough to follow the Julian calendar.
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