In the final part to this less than comprehensive preview of Euro
Polkraine, we examine the potential highlights, lowlights and downlights of the
greatest sporting tournament in the world…at least until the evil Galactic
forces of UEFA kills it in four years time.
Major tournaments always throw out some tantalising match-ups, and Euro
Polkraine is no different. Italy vs. Spain, England vs. France, Portugal vs.
Germany, Greece vs. Polan…sorry I got carried away…offer the prospect of
exhilarating football. But the most mouth watering opening round encounter is
definitely Germany vs. Holland. It’s a juicy game on so many different levels,
but what excites me most is the MMA style kicking Bastian Schweinsteiger is going
to hand out to Arjen Robben for that penalty miss (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4vXq-Q2AC68&feature=related) in
the Champions League final. The look on Schweinsteiger’s face when he realised
Robben bottled it was simply priceless. Like Luke Skywalker when he realises
Vadar is his father, a contorted mixture of pain and hatred. Good luck Arjen. Payback’s
a real bitch.
It’s a Euro tradition that one Eastern European midfielder will scintillate
with a handful of sexy goals, leading his team to upset wins on route to a
surprise semi final appearance. Inevitably this leads to a high profile club, always
from the Premier League, buying the player with an offer so high they could wipe
out Sierra Leone’s foreign debt. As
confident as the captain of the Titanic on his maiden (only) voyage, he sets
sail for his new club and enjoys a brief honeymoon period. Until a Lee
Cattermole special sends him crashing back to Earth, quicker than Charlie Sheen
after a Tuesday night bender. Invariably the player is then shipped quickly
back behind the Iron Curtain, only to be spoken of in hushed tones like an
urban legend.
With Ukraine, Poland, Russia and the Czech Republic represented, candidates
for the inaugural Karel Poborsky (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ux0v4yzHgEw) Award
for Overhyped Transfer to England are plenty. My tip is Oleksandr Aliyev (Ukraine), who’ll
crack in a couple of free kicks from 35 yards that get Fergie harder than a federal
member of parliament in a whorehouse.
For a number of countries the hopes and dreams of a nation rest on the
shoulders of one talented individual. The Portuguese pray at the altar of
Ronaldo, while Lewandowski leads the line for Poland. England’s (limited) hopes rest with
Andy Carroll (all the UK readers just threw up in unison). That is at least
until Wayne Rooney is released from maximum security suspension.
Picture the following scene: After drawing their opening games against
France and Sweden, England enter their final game needing victory against host
nation Ukraine. Andy Carroll has been lumbering his way around the penalty box
like a Biggest Loser contestant on route to the next weigh in leaving Woy
Hodgson no option other than to call on Rooney, who has been sitting on the
sidelines for 180 minutes, steaming with pent up aggression.
Rooney takes the field pumping with adrenaline, like Ben Johnson in Seoul.
He’s snarling at his teammates and salivates so much the referee is forced to
wear gumboots lest foot rot sets in. The whistle blows and Rooney races around
the field like a Tasmania Devil, limbs flying akimbo in a rabid and rancid
fury. He takes pots shots at goal like the British naval bombardment of the
Falklands. But the keeper and woodwork keep his best efforts at bay. Time is
ticking away, and under pressure to create something magical, Rooney starts
tackling in a wild frenzy, winning the ball on every occasion. First he slides
into the inept Stewart Downing, bundling him into advertising boards. He leaps
over Jermaine Defoe to win back possession, and intercepts another wayward pass
from Scott Parker. Rooney is committed to keep the ball away from those
standing in the way of English success. In a final act of desperation Rooney
barges into Steven Gerrard, earning himself a red card. England is eliminated,
and Rooney returns to his homeland disgraced.
The Shakespearean tragedy is
complete.
Some safety advice before the Euro journey commences, avoid watching
Greece at all costs. They’re not the only team capable of parking the bus, but
their bus is the size of J-Lo’s arse. You might be able to sit through a half
without contemplating self mutilation to end the pain, but anything more than
that will have you reaching for the spoons to dig out your own eyes.
Finally, let’s hope Euro Polkraine can deliver some magic like its
predecessors. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-J_DwsO9bIY
Enjoy, or as they say in Polkraine, baw się dobrze!
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