In Part III of the Euro Polkraine Preview we take a
look at the teams in Groups C & D
GROUP C. Cigarettes,
Italian suits, shifty bribes and one very sexy girl
Croatia: What’s the over/under on
Croatian fans contracting chronic breathing difficulties as a direct result of
second hand smoke emitting from the technical area? Considering Slaven Bilic
puffs away like Don Draper on speed, the odds have got be evens right?
Italy: When questioned about the
matching fixing scandal that has rocked Italy (not for the first time!) Coach
Cesare Prandelli indicated he would have no problem if his side was barred from
Polkraine. “To be perfectly honest I’d rather spend my summer on the Amalfi
coast with George Clooney,” he said. “The fashion in Ukraine is so 80’s, the
pasta tastes like cardboard, and Polish wine tastes like fermented potatoes.
Polkraine sounds like a horrible, uncultured place.”
Rep. of Ireland: Giovanni Trapattoni
has spent his time at the helm moulding the Irish in the image of Italian
footballers past and present. John O’Shea wears silk boxers, Damien Duff sports
a girlie headband, Robbie Keane was spotted driving an Alfa, and his striking
partner Kevin Doyle is taking lessons from Pippo Inzaghi on the art of
excessive and annoying over-celebrating. Meanwhile Trap has called Fabio Grosso
into training camp for a high intensive simulation on the art of simulation.
Finally Richard Dunne has been caught practising the dark art of slipping an
envelope under the table. Trap is confident his team can buy a
win...figuratively speaking of course.
Spain: Before 2008 football was
fun, a more innocent time, when the talented Spaniards were perennial losers.
Nothing was more enjoyable than watching ‘experts’ make the obvious prediction
that ‘this will be Spain’s year’, only to watch them (predictably) fall short of
the mark. Pre-2008 Spain was Andy Murray before Andy was Andy Murray. Now the
footballing world is topsy-turvy as Spain gun for an (unprecedented) third
consecutive major trophy. Beset by injuries to key players (Villa & Puyol),
Spain will have to rely of the cunning and guile of Miss Nando Torres to defend
their title.
TIP: Spain (always an obvious pick) to progress,
along with my big upset Republic of Ireland...on the back of a 1-0 win and two
nil all draws that puts the collective population of Polkraine to sleep but
increases the global sale of Guinness exponentially.
GROUP D. John
Terry, Zlatan Ibrahimovic and the French. Is this Euro 2012 or the Federation
of Worldwide Wankers International Convention?
England: So many issues, so
little time: the Rooney suspension; the Ferdinand omission; the Barry and
Cahill injuries; Woy and the Liverpudlians; the hilarious comparisons to Greece
2004. Yet nothing looms larger than the spectre of racism that hangs over
Polkraine. Sol Campbell has raised legitimate fears that ethnic minorities will
be targeted with abuse during the tournament. Let’s just hope the FA and Roy
Hodgson do the right thing and tell John Terry to keep his opinions to
himself.
France: The French saunter into
Polkraine riding the crest of an 18 game undefeated streak, making them the
hottest team in Europe. Usually France is hounded by stories jealousy, greed,
corruption, a major dummy spit and at least one unpaid prostitute...or was that
last night’s episode of Revenge?
Sweden: Sweden’s hopes rest on
the broad shoulders of Zlatan Ibrahimovic. I love Zlatan. He’s the Steven
Seagal of world football...big and burly with great skills and an attitude in
serious need of adjustment. If Zlatan had his own aftershave it would smell just
like Zlatan, the overwhelming scent of overconfidence. Unfortunately for
Zlatan, as enjoyable as Seagal’s tippy, tappy, grabby, pissy little hand
wrestle moves were, he could never match up against the likes of Arnie, Sly,
Van Damme or Willis.
Ukraine: Welcome to Euro 2012, the
unofficial Andriy Shevchenko testimonial, where all proceeds are donated to
support the extravagant lifestyle of Sheva in retirement. And I thought Torres
was the only multi-million dollar Chelsea bust who would feature in Polkraine. Seriously
though, with the Czech Republic fielding Milan Baros, is it too late for Spain to
call on Raul? If Italy recalls del Piero and England wheel out Teddy Sheringham (and his colostomy bag), we can
field a geriatric team.
TIP: France’s
fabulous form continues. England to raise the hopes of sunburned Brits
worldwide by qualifying for the next round, before exiting on penalties.
We’re
going into EXTRA TIME...Part IV of this III part preview coming soon!
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