Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Euro Polkraine Preview: Part II

Originally posted at http://www.theroar.com.au/2012/06/06/euro-2012-polkraine-preview-group-b/

Euro 2012 Polkraine is getting closer. In the second part of this preview, let’s take a look at the teams in groups A and B.

Group A. If Karl Marx analysed this group he’d start with ‘A spectre is haunting Europe…the spectre of a nil-all draw’. Of all the teams in Polkraine, the four that scored the least number of goals in the qualifying rounds are in this group. I can see a snore draw coming on!

Czech Republic: For the past 15-20 years the Czechs have lit up the stage with some fantastic attacking football, led by the likes of Nedved, Berger, Poborsky, Novak, Baros and Kohler. 

Now their best player is a goalkeeper, who wears a helmet now having been kicked in the head too many times. I expect dark times for team Czech.

Greece: The team that lifts the trophy stands to pocket 23.5 million Euro. Talk about an austerity package. 

Do you know what that would mean for the Greek economy?

Imagine if you will that a limited gathering of Greek footballers have the potential to singlehandedly revive their local economy, push Europe back from the brink of collapse and in turn save the world from another global financial meltdown. 

No pressure lads.

Poland: They put the Pol in Polkraine and really lucked out with the easiest group available.

Not since the days of Zbigniew Kazimierz Boniek of Zawisza Bydgoszcz have the Poles been this excited about football. 

If this was Wheel of Fortune, “can I buy a vowel please?” would be completely redundant. 

Russia: Or is it Zenit St CSKA? They’re looking to better their Euro 2008 performance, when they free-wheeled their way to the semi finals on the back of the inspirational Arshavin. 

Featuring the same core as in 08, they’re now a little older and wiser with four extra years of vodka hammering the liver. Tough trade off.

My tip: Poland and Russia to proceed after Greece bore us to death by becoming the first team ever to try playing 13 men behind the ball

Group B. Take a world powerhouse, mix in some total football, stir through the best player in Europe and add a dash of wanker.What do you get? A group of death.

Denmark: The Danes have picked four recognized defenders in their 23 man squad! Simply amazing. I had to triple check to make sure it was correct. 

Last time Denmark had a Schmeichel in goal they won the tournament. A sign?

Of course last time they won they didn’t even qualify. Even more amazing.

Plus they’ve got the self-proclaimed best striker in the world Nicklas Bendtner up front, who is only the fourth biggest wanker in world football.More on the other wankers to follow.

Germany: Boeteng, Gundogan, Ozil, Khedira, Gomez, Podolski, Klose… if that selection of German names isn’t proof Hitler lost the war I don’t know what is!

German football has morphed from the rigid and disciplined days of Mattheus and Brehme to fast and free-flowing. And strangely enough, they’re a joy to watch. 

Has anyone ever said that about Ze Germans? What hasn’t changed is their clich├ęd relentless pursuit of success. 

The Netherlands: Amazing place. They are The Netherlands. They are Holland. They are Dutch. 

Their capital is Amsterdam. Their government sits in The Hague.

They are full of dikes. They are orange. They are very confused. 

The confusion is transferred onto the field, where they struggle to accommodate Sneijder, Van der Vaart, Van Persie, Huntelaar and Robben to maximize all of their strengths. 

Always a threat…to implode. 

Portugal: When your footballing philosophy consists of defending stoutly and passing the ball to the only player capable of creating anything, you might just be British. 

When that player is Cristiano Ronaldo and the rest of your team is mostly rubbish (yes Nani I’m looking at you) the tactics make perfect sense
He might be the third biggest wanker in world football (we’ll get to the others in part 3), but he sure has got skills.

He is the most gifted player at the tournament, regardless of what Zlatan thinks. 

My tip: Germany (my favourites to win the whole thing) will progress to round two with surprise package Denmark.

Stay tuned for Part III

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