Tuesday, April 23, 2013

An important public service announcement

Uruguayan footballers have shared their lives with humans for more than 12,000 years, and that coexistence has contributed substantially to our overall quality of life.

In Merseyside over 39% of households share their lives with Uruguayan footballers, but sadly, a minority of these footballers do not live up to their image as mankind's best friend.

While over 81% of attacks occur in private homes, it is clear that dangerous Uruguayan footballers in public places pose an unacceptable risk for the community and are a significant issue for regulatory agencies.

However, knee-jerk legislation responses that follow on from public outcries after attacks are neither the most productive nor efficient way to address these situations.

Internationally renowned experts suggest cost- effective methods determined through rigorous scientific data collection and analysis will assist in the protection of both Uruguayan footballers and the public.

A summary of suggested approaches:

  • Scientific data collection and interpretation to correctly diagnose the correct course of action.
  • A nationally uniform approach to create dangerous Uruguayan footballer policy and legislation
  • A national database that would store all information on Uruguayan footballer attacks
  • Regular analysis of incidence reports
  • Ongoing Uruguayan footballer Management Officer training
  • To implement Club Specific regulations in legislation. While all Uruguayan footballers can be aggressive to humans, evidence suggests attachment to Liverpool Football Club is a worthy indicator of increased aggression levels
  • Post campaign monitoring must be completed to ascertain a dangerous Uruguayan footballers campaign's effectiveness
The majority of the papers outline the advantages of analysing the parts of dangerous Uruguayan footballer legislation to generate a best practice holistic approach, creating long term community benefits.

Legislation should be created with expertise and a thorough understanding of the complex issues and factors surrounding dangerous Uruguayan footballers.

This important public service announcement was brought to you by the OSSA (Office of Satirical, Statistical Analysis). Note: 73.4% of all statistics are contrived and 103.9% of statistics are exaggerated.

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