I’m back baby. Just like the mysterious White Walkers from Game of Thrones, I’ve risen from a cold dark place to wreck havoc on everyone south of The Wall.
A lot’s happened in sports over the past couple of months. Most of the action has taken place off the field. To quickly recap:
The dog ate Shane Watson’s homework, the Aussie men’s 4x100 relay team put in an application for residency at St John’s College, and the Cronulla Sharks successfully graduated from the Lance Armstrong School of Excellence Performance Outcomes (EPO).
Meanwhile Ben Barba was busy auditioning for 'The Shire Season 2', Josh Dugan’s Joel Monaghan inspired tweet (minus the canine, Gods be good) got him fired and Kurtley Beale put his hand up for a league contract with his best impersonation of 'The Origin of the Species'.
Finally, Giorgos Katidis has been banned from international football for his Nazi style salute, Paulo Di Canio was hired for his…and I’d hate to be in Oscar Pistorius’ shoes right now (too early?).
Oh, and Mario Balotelli was caught having a fag in a train dunny - and it wasn’t George Michael.
There’s a wonderfully enigmatic Italian maxim “The mother of idiots is always pregnant.” I enjoy philosopher poet Monty Python’s far less cryptic: “He’s not the Messiah, he’s a very naughty boy!”
So with the sporting spotlight clearly focused on men behaving badly recently, I thought it appropriate to celebrate some on-field success, and what better place than the Theatre of Dreams!
When the little c#nt of incest spawn ‘King’ Joffrey removed Lord Eddard Stark’s head it shocked the world, setting off a chain of events resulting in chaos, betrayal, bloodshed and treachery – or just another day in South-Western Sydney. Similarly, when Kun Aguero shocked the footballing world with virtually the final kick of last season, cruelly taking another Premier League title out of the grasp of Sir Alex Ferguson, the balance of power in the EPL shifted. The very foundations on which the Premier League was established were crumbling.
The four kingdoms – Manchester United, Arsenal, Chelsea and Liverpool – were in disarray. United’s forces, shell-shocked by their end of season capitulation, were facing down an enemy hungrier and armed to the teeth. Arsenal, growing fat off the success of yesteryear, lost the stomach for the fight. Chelsea, despite a famous victory over Bayern Munich, were stricken by internal turmoil and backstabbing for political advantage. Meanwhile Liverpool, under the leadership of The Imp, continued to lose any form of credibility.
But like Lord Tywin Lannister, Sir Alex spent the entire summer plotting the downfall of his enemies. A Lannister always pays his debts, and when SAF successfully signed the sell-sword RVP in the off-season, he would have known that in this Game of Thrones he edged evermore closer to regaining the crown.
Revenge is a dish best served with a 15 point gap at the top of the table, and with this in mind Sir Alex will be relishing tonight’s Manchester derby. I’m sure this fixture has been circled in his calendar since the start of the season, albeit with the expectation of a title decider rather than a final kick to the gonads of an enemy lying stricken on the muddied battlefield.
Sir Alex has seen off the challenge of many claimants to the throne – Wenger, Houllier, Mourinho, and Benitez – but none will be more satisfying than silencing the noisy neighbor and potentially putting a final nail in Mancini’s coffin. The Italian has the polished yet smug look of the Kingslayer, but like any man who bones his twin sister his elegant appearance belies a darker side that needs to be extinguished.
A win tonight and United can begin celebrating a record 20th league title, whilst it also has the capacity to send Mancini back to Italy. The Dothraki Warlords funding Mancini’s empire won’t be at all pleased with another abysmal turnout in Europe followed by an embarrassing capitulation in the league. They’re liable to use Mancini’s powder blue scarf as a noose. A sight most welcome across greater Manchester and the seven kingdoms of Westeros.